Stop Holding Everyone Else Responsible for their Reactions; Start Taking Responsibility for YOUR Actions

If you are continuing to hold onto a grudge or keep blaming someone else for a dispute, always take a moment to examine all aspects of the situation, not just those you've been concentrating on. Forget about citing all the ways the other person has done you wrong, and ask yourself what part YOU have played in this transgression.

Force yourself to think objectively. Were any actions of yours, good intentions or not, the start of the problem? Have you done anything to fuel the fire during the battle? Instead of jumping to defend your position as the wronged party, be honest with yourself. Quit thinking about what the other person did, and start focusing on the things YOU did. Remember, it takes two opposing sides to have a war. Consider what you've done during this feud, as well as anything you did right before the initial conflict started, that would alienate the other person. Think about everything that occurred which you were involved in. Even if you defend no harm was meant by something specific you did, it still happened and needs to be reflected upon. We are only listing events exactly as they unfolded in actuality, not what was intended by it or the feelings the situation conjured. If you don't already and are truthful with this exercise, you will know exactly what role you've acted out in this drama. Pretending you still have no idea what triggered the friction does not change the reality that it happened, so there is no reason to lie to yourself about the causation.

Most people don't get upset for no reason. If you are the one who is angered with somebody else, have you expressed to the person directly how you feel? Not triangulating through another person or talking behind their back, but speaking to their actual face, have you told them exactly why you are upset? If you haven't, then you are not even giving them a chance to apologize or explain themselves. Letting them find out that you are agitated with them solely through other people's word of mouth is a surefire way to cause misinterpretation of the actual circumstance, leading to more disagreement between the two of you. When you become hostile toward someone, they deserve to be told by you, yourself. So, if you wish to move forward with diffusing this incident, the other person needs to hear your debate directly from you, informed of the specifics as calmly and rationally as possible.

If you are on the other side of the battlefield, has the opposing side expressed to you what they are angry or hurt about? Answering with only yes or no, not adding a "Yes, but...," did you do or say this particular thing? Do not continue to deny any of your behavior that caused a negative reaction in the other person. It does not matter if you had good intentions or if it wasn't meant to be cruel, you do not get to decide how another person feels about it. Saying things like, "She started it," or "I only did [this] because he did [that] first," are equivalent to immature, kindergarten playground behavior. Despite what anybody else has done, YOU alone chose to respond in the way you did. You cannot blame your behavior on another person. Nobody forced you into doing anything. Learn to own your reactions; that is what healthy adults do.

So admit – if only to yourself – any action of yours within your control that has contributed to the problem at hand. If you don't regret what you did or still believe you did nothing wrong, are you at least sorry the other person was hurt by it? Apologize if need be. If you aren't sorry they were offended, that is certainly your choice and your right, but recognize then you are the one who is continuing this conflict. You cannot fault another person for any issue you are not willing yourself to attempt to resolve. 

Learn to take responsibility for all your actions, and you'll be amazed how your hostility begins to decrease. If you can take a big enough step back from your rage to view the situation from a more neutral perspective, you will bring yourself to a point to at least understand where the other person's opinion is coming from. You certainly do not have to agree with them. But when both sides are mature enough to take accountability for their own conduct instead of denying their contribution and continually accusing the other, all involved parties will usually release some anger, becoming more rational to find a resolution.

If one side absolutely refuses to take any responsibility for the turmoil, usually that means they do not want the situation resolved and wish to continue their crusade. At that point, the fight is no longer about the initial occurrence and who is wrong or to blame. Something else more personal is going on and that person is now just using the current situation for the scapegoat in justifying their behavior instead of addressing the real issue. In that case, the problem is theirs and theirs alone to work through. 

If you are that person refusing to acknowledge your actions, ask yourself, do you want to fix this problem? If the answer is yes, then why are you unwilling to bend a little if it will bring everyone peace? Are you just that proud or stubborn? If your response is along the lines of "Because she's the one that did [this]" or "I didn't do anything wrong," reread this entire document from the beginning, pausing to reflect on each sentence. If the answer is no, you don't want to fix the problem, then you need to reach deep inside your mind and ask yourself several questions. Why would I not want to resolve this issue? Do I actually enjoy fighting with somebody? Am I really mad at the person about something else completely unrelated? Is my anger even about them, or does this present issue resemble another situation in my life that I was not happy with the outcome of? The answer most likely won't come easy for you.

So, if you ever find yourself relentlessly blaming another person for something that has happened, filled with anger wondering how they could do such a thing to you, or if you cannot fathom why someone else refuses to get over being upset with you for something you consider to be so menial, refrain from placing the fault solely on them, and stop listing all the ways they wronged you. Remember to calm down and be truthful with yourself about how you may be responsible for upsetting them, rather than denying that you did anything wrong or reasoning that your behavior was not that bad. Acknowledge your own actions and at least consider how a situation you initiated or words you spoke may have been the cause to an unintended effect. Recognize that you do not control how any other person responds to or interprets the things you do. Accept that you cannot convince another person how they should feel or react to a situation anymore than they can you. Believing they shouldn't be so hurt or had no right to respond in the way they did is merely your way of justifying that you are not at fault. Even saying you had good intentions is just an excuse for denying your own accountability.

Be brave, exchange your pride and need to be right for the understanding of another person's perspective. For the most courageous and right of people are those who look for ways within themselves to extinguish a raging fire rather than continue to feed the flames by persecuting another.